• 18
  • November
    2011

As we head into the holiday season, it is a good time to reiterate the importance of divorced parents being flexible.

Holidays are a stressful time as it is. This stress is even more exacerbated when trying to determine who the kids will spend Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas and New Year's with. You clearly want to spend time with your kids and they most likely want to spend time with you, but they cannot be in two places at once. And unless you and your ex have an amicable enough relationship to spend those days together, chances are your children are feeling torn about who they get to spend the various holidays with.

To reduce stress not only for your children, but also for yourself, be flexible.

Your parental custody and visitation agreement might have specific holidays built into it, but as your children grow their wishes during the holidays need to be taken into consideration.

Is it essential that you celebrate Christmas with your kids on December 25th? Is the celebration and time spent any different if it is on December 26th instead? Remember that the holiday season is about the season and spending time with loved ones and not so much about the exact dates. Be flexible with your dates.

As a family, you may have had traditions each year. Perhaps your in-laws came over on Christmas morning when stockings were opened. Or everyone played flag football after Thanksgiving dinner. While many of those traditions may no longer be possible since the divorce, it does not mean that new traditions cannot be established. Try to preserve any traditions you can for the kids' sake, but create new ones as well that your children will associate as spending time with you (and perhaps a new partner) during the holidays.

For many divorced couples, the new reality is that your ex's new spouse or partner will become a part of the celebrations. If you can, set aside all differences for a day and let all family members -- including former in-laws, your ex and significant others -- come together for the sake of the kids. When everyone is able to hang out peaceably together, it helps reassure your kids that they still have a strong sense of family, even if it has shifted from what it used to be.

The worst thing that can happen is for your children to feel torn between their parents. So, during the holiday season, set aside your feelings about your ex and focus on the feelings of your kids.

Source: Huffington Post, "Divorced Parenting During the Holiday Season: Flexibility is Key," 11/15/11.